Ineluctable

Word of the Day: Ineluctable: the inevitable.

Where did the time go? How did it happen that my daughter became me, I became my mother, and my mother became my grandmother? I went to visit with mom a couple weeks ago with my granddaughter, and I was reminded of how much time has passed and that my youth is well behind me. Aging has never bothered me like it seems to bother most people. When I turned 20, I was a new mom trying to get the hang of diapers, formula, and all the mom stuff. In my 30’s I was busy raising kids in a strange town, practically alone and with no family close by. That decade pretty much flew by in a flurry of school kids, soccer, baseball, dance, tumbling, cheerleading, and Navy Wives Club activities. I was in the midst of a whole new life when I reached 40, a.k.a. my emancipation decade, so I embraced it with much enthusiasm: new job, new school, new friends, and boyfriends. In about three months I will turn 51. I thought I had these last years all planned out, but now I don’t know what this decade holds. I do know that I’ll still embrace it with as much enthusiasm as the others since I know that decade brings with it a growing family: A daughter-in-law, possibly two daughters-in-law. Heck, maybe even a son-in-law, and most assuredly more grandbabies. For the first time that I can remember, though, I look towards the next decade with confliction and disquietude. For myself, I don’t mind the aging again into another decade, because my life will certainly be full and happy. I looked at my kids when I was visiting with mom, though, and for the first time I saw them as young adults instead of my babies. They have made me proud in many ways through the years, and they’ve made my aging that much more gratifying. I see a bright future for them, and that makes me happy. Then I looked back at mom, alarmingly small and frail, with deep wrinkles that mark the next decade as her possible last, and that makes me sad. I’m not ready to lose my mom. Since there’s nothing one can do to stop the aging process, all I can do is make this decade a memorable one with mom and try not to dwell on what I’ll ultimately lose. I’ll make new memories with new loved ones and solidify relationships with the old ones. More importantly, though, life is good no matter what happens, as long as love is in abundance; and it is.

I lost two pounds this week, despite another week of no cardio at all. My knee is getting worse every day and until I get that MRI I'm not going to risk exacerbating the problem. I cried because of the pain several times today and it makes me so mad at myself for being such a big crybaby. I've always had a high tolerance for pain, but I'm questioning whether this pain really is as bad as it seems or if I'm just becoming soft in my...er...."maturity". My work night went fairly quickly despite my agony. Not being able to elevate my leg while I work makes it hurt even worse so I was in a foul mood most of the night.

I just fell asleep sitting up, so I need to get my butt to bed. It feels like my heart is racing so I'm a little afraid to fall asleep. I hope it's just from having coffee during the night after having gone without it for awhile.

Until next time...