I got a phone call today. I didn't answer it because I didn't recognize the number, but I listened to the voice mail. It was a little old lady who said, "Harvey, I'm just going to go up with Mildred around 4:00, ok?" (long pause) "Harvey?" (another pause) "Call me back so I know." (a very long pause) "Harvey, it's your mother."
Poor thing had the wrong number, of course, so I called her back. I told her I just got her voice mail, she had the wrong number, and I didn't want her to sit around and wait for Harvey to call back when he never even got the message. She talked my ear off, bless her heart.
Turns out she'd reversed the last four digits of his phone number, so not only do I know Harvey's phone number now, but I also know that he's a widower, he's a good boy, and his mother would like to see him settle down with a nice Christian woman. If anybody out there has a desire for a nice geriatric husband with a sweet little mother, I know who you can call. I also now know that Harvey's mom is going with her sister, Mildred, to visit sister, Edith, who is in the hospital. They're the last three living sisters. Her other sister and their two brothers have died. Elsie was "eat up" with cancer, and Arthur and Charles both had heart attacks. Harvey doesn't really like his Aunt Mildred, because she's a loud woman. Harvey is easily embarrassed and doesn't like any attention drawn to himself, which will ultimately happen when loud Aunt Mildred is around. She knows everybody in town, so when she stops to talk to everybody she knows, Harvey gets restless and irritated. Edith never knew a stranger, so she's having a grand ole time in the hospital right now. Her kids live in Kansas City and Phoenix so they don't get to come around very much like Harvey does. Harvey has always been a good boy and makes sure he keeps up repairs on hers and Edith's houses. He just put that white stuff around the windows that keeps out the weather and moisture, and he cleaned out Edith's gutters. He found a mouse in the gutter, but it was dead. Now how did a mouse get all the way up there. Harvey thinks a bat carried it up there. About two years ago a lizard got in behind the pie safe at Edith's house, so Harvey got that lizard and put it outside. It's not good to kill them, you know, but Harvey's mom doesn't remember why. Yes, Harvey has always been a good boy.
Did I lie? I told you, she talked my ear off!
I remember when I got my first answering machine and mom was my source of entertainment for the next couple of years with the messages she left; some by choice, most by accident. She didn't really know how to leave a message, and I think she sometimes didn't realize she was listening to a recording , so her messages went something like this:
"Sherry? Sher! Sherry Lynn! Are you on there? I know she's there. I don't know why she never answers that phone."
Or pre-answering machine days, when she wanted to know if I was home, she would call and hang up. If she thought I was sleeping too late, she would call and hang up. If I was supposed to take her somewhere and she wanted to make sure I didn't get a late start getting ready, she would call and hang up. How do I know? Because she would talk (to herself, I think) before she hung up the phone, not realizing I could hear when I picked up the phone. Here are some examples of what I'd hear:
"I'll bet she's sound asleep." (click)
"I know she's just going to go right back to bed." (click)
"I'll bet she's been up all night and I'll be waiting all day for her. There's no sense in that!" (click)
Or, my personal favorite:
"Well, shit!!" (click)
Awwwwww I love my mom. Get well, Edith, wherever you are. And Harvey, you're such a good boy. But take it easy on poor Aunt Mildred, ok?
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